When you think about yourself, what comes to mind? When you truly do some deep reflecting, what happens? For some of us the deep reflecting times don't happen too often. I used to live that way. There was no more uncomfortable and guilty struggle than when I openly and honestly reflected upon who I was. I spent each minute looking at the good and bad in my life wondering how I could fix things. It is very easy to see sinfulness, focus on insecurities, and exaggerate downfalls. Celebrating joys and successes is often very hard.
Now days things have changed. My thoughts or self-reflection time doesn't go that way anymore. I have learned something very interesting about God and myself. During the self-reflection times God has reminded me that even my personal evaluation is not about me. It's a funny concept. One would think that self-reflection is just that...it is a way to evaluate yourself. But, God has been teaching me something lately. His work seems to be completely focused on pushing me to the side. To be truly transparent, he seems to be killing me off. Now days my self-reflection rests entirely upon what he is up to and how he is changing me. Over and over I try to take control of the transformation process, but I am continuously reminded that my growth is really about him. The Spirit's work in my life leaves me as the passive one in the relationship. God is working on me, through me, and all over. My job or role in all of this seems to be submission.
So I find myself in a weird, spiritual twilight zone. My self-reflection times have me asking one question...God. I don't think that's even a question, but that's all I ask and contemplate. Every question revolves around the Holy Spirit's work in my life. Where is it? How's it working? Am I surrendering? What is God saying and teaching? The craziest thing has happened. I feel more at peace about who I am now than I ever have before. That being said, there has never been another time in my life where I have felt more in limbo. As different or even arrogant as this sounds, I think I'm transforming more into God's image. My faith is deepening. My eyes are opened to the Spirit's work in me and around me. My heart is more subdued to God's will than ever before, and I have only asked that one question...God. What was this cognitive understanding about God has become this interesting daily conversation and inner dialogue. Well, it's not really much of a conversation right now I guess. For years I spent my time telling God what I needed and wanted, and right now he is the only one speaking. I'm just here listening, waiting, and yielding to the Spirit. Is that weird? Is it normal? I don't know. But, it feels right.